Phonebooth 2: The Reverse Charge Call

In our household in sunny Hatfield, our phone doesn't ring very often. There are many reasons for this. Very few people (including myself) know the number. We have mobile phones, and have no need for a landline. People don't like us/me. All are plausible. When we do get phonecalls though, it's always for a man named 'Malik'. Now, if ever there was to be a name that was created for the purpose of being used in a Mel Gibson buddy-movie, this is it. Picture it now, Empire State building, Malik holding a tanned Keira Knightley over the railings, threatening to drop her onto the street below, turning her into thick, Upper Class smoosh. Mel, preferably with the help of Danny Glover busts in, cracks out a few cheesy lines (I was thinking maybe that the film would be set on Easter Monday so that Mel could go for "Just another Malik Monday", but it's his call), and saves the day. You get it, I get it, he's a villain.

Only, it could be true. As we haven't had just phonecalls. We've had letters (which I open, even though I know this is illegal, as I like to try and piece together the stories of our previous tenants. Kim Lee for example regularly gives blood), and even the feds knocking on our door demanding his whereabouts. I don't remember much of him from when I met him when we first looked at the house, just that he was watching Spiderman 2 in a tiny room with 3 other men. Strange guy. Spiderman 1 is much better. 

Using the little detective skills I have (which is just occasionally sifting through junk mail about how he can receive a new rate on his credit card which I will be sure to inform him of) I can only assume his story is somehow linked to my friend in Spain, who I received an email from yesterday telling me to "fuck off being fuck", which must be either code, or he has been kidnapped and had his emails hacked into by who I can only imagine is the infamous Malik. It is safe to say that Sherlock Holmes got nuttin' on 'dis. I will not be writing back to my friend in Spain. And will continue pretending to speak Mandarin when anyone phones asking for Malik. Safety first.

Over and out.